The Introductory Post

I said that my first post wasn't going to be an introductory post because that's a bit cliche. So instead I made it the less cliche second post.

I think introductory posts are always hard because I never know what to put in them. But here's my stab at it.

I'm a 23 year old witch who's been studying the pagan path for about 11 years. So that would make me 12 when I first found something pagan. Seems young, but it's not uncommon. However I didn't call myself a pagan or a witch until I was about 16. So 7-11 years of this. I still say I know nothing.

What brought me to the pagan path was a common dissatisfaction with my home religion, Christianity. Now don't get me wrong I wasn't dissatisfied with Christians, or with what the Bible said exactly, though I didn't agree with a bunch of it. It was my inability to relate with the Christian God. I found it next to impossible to have the relationship that is supposed to be had with God. Other Christians had it. I didn't. I tried. But it was like trying to talk to that really cute boy in high school when you're the painfully shy, bucktoothed girl. I craved that relationship. I learned my Bible verses, I went to church, I was in a Christian school (Not of my own free will, but I wasn't unhappy about it.), I learned to read the Bible on my own, I said my prayers, I even went so far as to begin to learn the more advanced stuff like Jewish law, reading Revelations, and trying to truly understand the more complex stuff.

Nothing. I got nothing. My prayers went unanswered. I finally realized after 12 years of doing what I was supposed to it was like talking to a brick wall. You can do it all day. You'll never get an answer. And that, to me, wasn't how it was supposed to be. My aunt had her prayers answered, not all the time, but some. So did my mom and other Christians I knew. And it wasn't like I was asking for hard things like world peace or stupid things like to pass my math test. And I definitely didn't ask for things all the time. I just wanted a few things, things that almost any child or pre-teen would want that would be serious, at the time. But nothing. In a relationship you're supposed to have communication. Otherwise it's not a relationship and I grew tired of the one way communication.

But when I was younger my mom bought me a Greco-Roman mythology book. I was about 8 or so when I got it and I read it cover to cover. I loved that book. I wish I could find it. Hopefully it's in the attic. I thought over and over in my mind that the names for the Gods were beautiful. So beautiful I thought about naming my children after Them. (You know every girl does this at some point.) So wondeful were those stories I wondered if They weren't real. But at 8 or so I knew that was bad. God was the only God and those stories were just stories. So I focused harder on what I was supposed to be doing.

But those stories never left me. I continued to read that book and other rmythology books.  I really got into history because of that book. After reading more and more I began to really wonder why people didn't worship these Gods anymore. Up until then I hadn't explored the reasoning and felt like it was a "tragedy" that Artemis and Apollo weren't worshipped anymore. Their stories were fascinating and they stayed with me and entered my dreams. I never had that experience reading the Exodus story. These were far more alive.

I wasn't until I was 12 and received another book that mentioned Wicca that I found out. I looked up what Wicca was, but didn't really pursue it because even then I had the same reaction many Christians do. Witches were evil or fake. They weren't real or good. So I put it away for about 2 years. In that 2 years my thoughts and feelings toward Christianity became less ardent and more lip-service that I fully accepted as lip-service. I went to a Christian school because that's where my mom sent me and I didn't have much choice. I had to take a Bible class and that was that. We prayed in Spanish in Spanish class, history class completely glossed over the fact that once Christianity got a good hold they systemtically wiped out those who were not the same in sometimes to often brutal fashion. Or they co-opted holidays or whatever. I mean who would considering you always want to look good.

In 9th grade I remember having to do a vin diagram on Hinduism and Buddhism then compare them to Christianiy. I remember that that was probably one of the most fun projects, and the easiest, for me. I had so much fun finding out about other religions and that I liked them. I didn't feel like they were evil or bad or wrong or misleading. I didn't put any of that on my diagram. I put facts, not feelings. I don't know where that thing is, or even what grade I got on it. I do remember being questioned as to why I didn't do the standard thing. I don't remember my answer.

Another project we had to do was write our own myth. Instead of using the Greco-Roman pantheon I used the Norse pantheon. I changed some of it, left much the same. It was supposed to be our own myth and I didn't want to copy or do something I felt, oddly enough, would be sacreligious in telling a new myth with the Gods the same. I also didn't want anyone to know that at the time I was actively studying Wicca and that I felt a connection to the Old Gods. So I changed things around, was questioned at my use of Hel being a Goddess(had to say that Hel was spelled with 1 L, not 2.) and that Bragi was a bull in my myth. I got a perfect score on it. My classmates loved my story. I don't know where that paper is. Probably in the attic.

So as I mentioned I was in 9th grade, 14, and studying Wicca because I wanted something new. Wicca was completely new. I decided that I would look at all religions as if I were an alien on this planet and knew nothing. In addition to Wicca I studied various forms of Christianity(maybe my old approach of Pentacostalism wasn't suiting, overall nothing suited.) Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Islam(before 9-11 this wouldn't have put you on the terrorist list), Satanism, and some small religions I can't remember right now. I looked into everything and was fascinated that so my variety existed. In my world variety was missing.

At 14 I had this notion that magick would cure all my ills. I'd have my prayers answered and I would be awesome. Luckily for me I kept reading and learned that magick wouldn't help me with everything, my prayers wouldn't always be answered and that it was hard work. I was fine with that. Hard work isn't bad. I was so happy that I finally found something that spoke to me and made me feel as if I had finally come to something that worked. When I first said my prayers to a different God I felt happy. I felt like I was heard. (Since then I've had numerous incounters with my Gods, including one that occured in a moment of intense intimacy.)

I should also mention here that I was happy to find that goddesses did exist. When I was younger, say 5-7, we used to say that Mother Nature was God's wife. How funny that now I'm older it's true. I was always dismayed that God made pairs, but had no pair.

I did some magick when I was 14. I will say that I made big mistakes too. I had just happened to have a huge falling out with a friend and I did a curse that, luckily, I didn't put my full heart into. I was just angry and highly upset. It was stupid, but at 14 I did stupid things. I still do stupid things at 23, but now understand that what I did then could have been very harmful. That was my first and only curse. Since then I also know that cursing isn't so totally awful, evil, mean, but honestly takes far more energy to sustain than to bind or even ignore if possible.

I continued to study Wicca in my home and when I went to the library I'd pick up what meager books they had on the subject, along with mythology books. So that way when I checked them out it wouldn't look suspiscious since the Wicca books held some mythology in them. Small town, small library, gotta take what you have. But I didn't want my mom to know because I didn't know what her reaction would be. It wasn't good at first. Not good at all. She was highly upset. But when I told her how I felt, after some rehersal, she understood that I wasn't just doing this for fun and this wasn't a stage that just happens like only eating rice. After a while, and some discussions on religion and my agnostic theism(I believe personally the Gods exist, but can't prove or disprove Their existance to another. In fact if I could I wouldn't bother. It's not my place.) she came to accept that I wasn't a Christian, but that I still loved her and still respected it. I was told that until I was 18 I would have to receive permission to cast spells and do rituals. I was fine with that. I could have books, study, meditate and do whatever, I just had to get permission. I would say I was far luckier than many and didn't press the point of what I would do if she said no.

So during my high school years I studied and studied and studied. I found that there were more pagan religions out there than just Wicca. I found Hellenismos, which is a Reconstructionist religion for the Greek religion. I found a sort of home there. But overall decided to hold off on fully dedicating myself to that path. I still explore it, but not to the extent I will in the future.

When I was in college I took an ancient philosophy class, which I loved, and I learned about the pre-Socratics and their use of the elements to help them define what the Earth and things were made of. This was my first introduction to the elements in a format I never looked at and got me started on learning as much as I could about the elements. Ever since then I'd refer to myself as an elemental witch, if I wanted to be specific in a conversation concerning the elements.

And now here I am. I'm a 23 year old legally agnostic, Greek-leaning, elemental, pagan witch. I've learned many lessons, read many websites, read book after book, finally was able to buy some when I got a job, and I still love what I am and do. I celebrate the Sabbats and are incorporating some Greek festivals. I love watching the moon at night, don't mind being outside so much(though I avoid it at my home because I'm allergic to wasps, bees and hornets and that's what's about my house often.) if I'm at a park. When it rains...well rain sounds are beautiful anytime. When it snows I feel the Mother's warmth. I love it. I'm home.